


The Slimers And The Spiders

by AceyEnn



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Babies, F/F, F/M, Humor, Kink Meme, Multi, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-03
Updated: 2014-02-19
Packaged: 2017-11-09 03:22:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/450695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceyEnn/pseuds/AceyEnn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vriska is having all the babies. All of them.</p><p>Written for the kink meme.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. yup

**Author's Note:**

> This will probably be updated fairly sporadically, but I have some fun ideas for it. It's gonna be fairly lighthearted, I think.
> 
> I'm also not sure what to rate it? I might figure something out when it's done. It's pretty G-rated for now but I know the rating will go up; I'm just not sure how high it'll go.

“Hey, Kanaaaaaaaaya.”

 

Kanaya sighed heavily, glaring at her computer screen. Thank God for video chat, it made it so much easier to express her frustration. “What do you want, Vriska?”

 

“I want you to meet me at the coffee shop! I've got some great news. So great! You're gonna be soooooooo jealous.”

 

“I doubt that. Look, I will meet you at the shop, but please do not expect me to be particularly impressed with your latest questionably legal escapades.”

 

Vriska scoffed. “Please, Kanaya. This has nothing to do with me breaking the law! That was _last_ week.”

 

“Your reckless disregard for the American legal system, or indeed any legal system, continues to astound me.”

 

“Whatever! Look, meet me there, okay?”

 

“Fine.” Kanaya ended the call at that point, and logged off of Skype, muttering various Alternian expletives under her breath. It had been three years since the trolls and their human comrades had arrived on a perfectly reset Earth, and while they had all been turned human by some miraculous clusterfuck, Kanaya still couldn't shake her habit of cursing entirely in her native language. Force of habit.

 

“Rose,” she called out to her matesp—er, _girlfriend_. “I'm going to go see Vriska at the coffee shop. I would greatly appreciate it if you had some things for me to to take my frustration out on when I come back.”

 

“The punching bag is in the basement,” Rose replied, not even looking up from her book.

 

“Thank you.”


	2. A Perfectly Average And In No Way Meaningful Chat Over Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Acey finally updates this damn fanfic.

“I'm having all the babies, Kanaya! Aaaaaaaall of them!”

 

Kanaya just sort of stared at her ex-moirail, completely unsure of how to react. “Uh...”

 

“What, aren't you excited for me and John? We're gonna be the best parents! The greatest!”

 

“...What do you mean when you say _all_ the babies?”

 

Vriska rolled her eyes, tossing her bleach-blonde hair over her shoulder. (Kanaya would have to talk to her about that as well--bleached hair and a deep fake tan? Seriously?) “It's _octuplets_ , Kanaya! How could it possibly be anything else? We're so great that we're having more babies than aaaaaaaanyone!”

 

Kanaya's jaw dropped. “You mean to say that you're having octuplets without the use of fertility treatments, in-vitro fertilization, or witchcraft?”

 

“Duh! I'm the _best_ at being pregnant! And John is the best at getting me pregnant! We are a perfect team, Kanaya. Perfect!”

 

Kanaya groaned. “You're nineteen years old and wildly irresponsible. You spent your last two paychecks getting yet another tattoo. On your _neck._ Of a hyper-realistic spider.”

 

“And it's _awesome,_ ” Vriska replied, smirking.

 

“Both you and John are working for minimum wage and neither of you can afford to care for _one_ child, let alone eight--particularly with your appalling lack of money management skills. And while I will acknowledge that John will at least try his best to be a good father, I am not convinced you will put any effort whatsoever into the endeavor of being a mother.”

 

“Of course I will! Just you wait. I'm the best at _eeeeeeeeverything_.”

 

“That's a lie and you know it.”

 

“Whatever! Anyway, I just had to share that great news with you! Seeya!” With that, Vriska left, casually tossing her coffee cup in the general direction of the trash can. (Kanaya was pretty sure pregnant women were supposed to _avoid_ caffeine, but seeing as how Vriska was the pregnant woman in question, she wasn't exactly surprised.)

 

Kanaya pulled out her cell phone and dialed Rose.

 

“Hello, Kanaya,” Rose said upon picking up.

 

“How did you know it was me?”

 

“Caller ID.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“So what exactly did Vriska have to tell you that was so important?”

 

Kanaya took a deep breath. “She's...pregnant. With octuplets. Somehow.”

 

Even over the phone, Kanaya could tell Rose was rolling her eyes. “And how, pray tell, did that happen?”

 

“Rose, despite your valiant attempts at teaching us the basics of human reproduction, I am fairly sure that Vriska slept through most of your lessons on safe sex and is not entirely certain as to what a condom _is_ , much less any other form of contraception.”

 

“Point taken.”

 

“And before you say anything, yes, she does intend to keep them and I am frankly concerned for the well-being of her future children.”

 

“I wouldn't worry too terribly much, Kanaya. John, when all is said and done, is quite responsible. I don't doubt that he'll at least _attempt_ to pick up the slack.” Rose sighed slightly. “Though I do wonder why he's still dating her.”

 

“Because she has very beautiful eyes and is witty and surprisingly charming and remarkably well-endo--”

 

“Kanaya, stop.”

 

“Understood.”


	3. well then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one wound up just being a chatlog but I HOPE YOU LIKE IT ANYWAY

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

TG: yo john

TG: i heard that you got spiderbitch pregnant

TG: times eight

TG: obviously times eight i think thats mandatory with her

TG: id give you the number to the nearest abortion clinic but knowing you youre probably already decorating the nursery and calling yourself a proud parent

TG: shit do yall even have a nursery

TG: dont you guys live in some lesbian couples basement or something

TG: not rose and kanaya the other one

TG: fuck deep in lesbians here

TG: rose would be having a field day with that one

TG: egbert you even there

TG: shits important 

TG: okay fine be that way

EB: dave, what do you want?

TG: i want the deets

TG: wanna hear how your mighty twinkie squirted its cream into serkets choco taco

TG: wait

TG: what the fuck did i just type

EB: oh god.

EB: i am not telling you about my sex life.

EB: at all.

TG: well you obviously knocked her up somehow

TG: unless shes giving birth to the next messiah or something

TG: eight tiny little baby jesuses crawling around and climbing on the furniture

TG: as babies often do

TG: suckling at your girlfriends eight boobs

EB: what.

EB: dave, she does not have eight boobs.

TG: eight nipples then

EB: no.

EB: her boobs are perfectly normal and you are being a dick.

TG: look thats not even the point anymore

TG: point is

TG: i need to know if shes actually pregnant

EB: ugh!

EB: yes. yes she is.

EB: yes, there are eight of them.

EB: god, why is everyone on our case about this anyway?

TG: because having a kid is a big responsibility you gotta feed it and shit

TG: all eight of them because otherwise cps will get on your ass and you dont want that

TG: trust me i studied that shit

TG: and like i had a hamster in 3rd grade i know ALL ABOUT caring for small creatures that poop everywhere

EB: dave, just stop.

EB: let me handle this, okay?

TG: name one of the babies after me

EB: no.


	4. spiders are scary, it is okay to be afraid of them

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well would you look at that

Meenah had always been able to help rein in her gillfrond--er, _girlfriend_. Even though they were, strictly speaking, in the wrong quadrant for that. If Aranea ever felt the need to point out they were matesprits and not moirails, Meenah could always just use the excuse that she was the heiress and the quadrants could mean whatever _she_ wanted them to mean, and then they generally made out, because who could argue with such flawless logic?

Not being the heiress anymore--or a troll, for that matter--had kind of put a damper on that argument, but Meenah straight up did not give a fuck.

The point of the matter was that while Aranea was good at calming Meenah's violent urges, Meenah was a fucking pro at making Aranea less of a manipulative, scheming bitch. Well, except under these circumstances.

"Uh, Serket, I guess paintin' li'l spiders all over the walls of the nursery is probably cool in theory an' all, but...aren't human babies s'posed to be scared of spiders? Like, _shit_ , even I don't like spiders, unless you and Serket Junior count as spiders, I like you guys, but actual spiders are legit awful."

Aranea turned from the nursery wall--where she'd been painting a very detailed black widow and thousands of spiderlings--and glared at her girlfriend. " _What_ did you just imply about my lusus?"

"Your lusus was the _worst_ lusus. Didn't she eat wigglers or somethin'?"

"Charlotte was a great mom!"

"And she ate wigglers."

Aranea sighed heavily. "That was Vriska's lusus. Mine was a benevolent, loving creature."

"Weren't they the same damn kinda spider?"

"Actually, not quite! Charlotte was part of the genus--"

"Okay, okay, you win. I am not listening to a fuckin' biology lecture courtesy of Aranea Serket, Sylph of Way Too Many Words, so I guess you're automatically right or whatevs."

Aranea smirked. "That is the arrangement we worked out, is it not?"

"I have so many glubbin' regrets, Serk."

"I take it that agreement was one of them?"

"Shell yeah."

"In any case, only around six percentage of the human population suffers from arachnophobia, and the children are less likely to develop it if exposed early to the idea of spiders as helpful, important creatures. In fact, I could go on about many fears being learned, and the fact that desensitization is a valuable thing--"

"Aranea, no. Just. No."

"Well, what do you suggest we paint on the nursery walls, then?"

"Make it look like a kickass aquarium! Whale, at least as kickass as you could make it."

"Meenah, I--"

The lovers' spat was interrupted by one John "Babydaddy" Egbert. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything, but Vriska puked all over the kitchen floor and--why are there spiders on the wall? That's really gross and stupid."

Aranea threw her hands up, groaned, and stormed out of the room. Meenah, for her part, just grinned.

"You," she squealed, hugging John, "are the _best_."


End file.
